As far back as I can remember I have always dreamed of being married. This seems cliche, I know, but it was true for me. I would plan my future, picturing what it would be like to be married with my own family.
I didn’t date much. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16. (Looking back, I think this was a very wise decision on my parents’ part.) I dated someone in high school and then was single throughout my undergrad. So, when I moved away to attend grad school I decided it was time to find a husband.
I attended grad school in British Columbia, as far away from my family and friends as possible while still in Canada. In my mind it was the perfect time to find someone to date and hopefully marry.
The move across the country was difficult. I was, for the first time, living 100% on my own without my family and I was the loneliest I have ever been. At first, before I made friends, I ended up spending endless hours alone. My heart ached because I knew I had no one but myself to rely on or to share my experiences.
Over time, I made good friends, some who I consider my closest friends to this day, but the friends I made had many other things going on in their lives. Some were married and some were from BC so they had their families close by. I had an ache in my heart and all I wanted was for someone to come and fill it, someone I could be connected with and rely on if needed.
The longer I lived there the more I would pray and desire God to bring someone into my life. It felt like the more I prayed the less suitable men I would meet. I truly felt alone. I felt like God planted this desire into my heart, but wasn’t allowing it to be my reality. It was hard.
I was getting so discouraged that I found myself on the floor of my basement suite one evening crying beyond control. I sat there, tears literally flowing down my face, crying out to God asking why he had left me so alone and asking him if I was ever going to find someone.
I knew God didn’t owe me an answer, but I felt desperate. It was in that moment that I felt the presence of God fill the room and the peace that only He could give poured over me. He calmed my spirit and assured me I was not alone.
While I was so desperately looking for a man to fill my lonely soul, Jesus was there waiting, ready to show me that He was the one I could rely on. He was the one who would be with me day in and day out, giving me the strength I needed to face another day. He wanted to connect with me and teach me how, no matter what circumstances I am in, I can still find joy, peace and purpose in Him.
After that evening I had a sense of peace and happiness that I had never had before. I knew I was where God wanted me and I knew He was there with me.
“The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” – Deuteronomy 31:8
That verse was posted in my kitchen while living in BC. The daily reminder helped me focus on God and His Spirit in my life. It reminded me of that night that I felt so much sadness and joy and learned who I really needed to fill my soul.
Today life looks much different. I am married with three wonderful children and living a few minutes from my extended family. They all give me much joy, but Jesus remains central in my life. For me, true wellness comes from the joy, peace and purpose I have in my relationship with Him.
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