There’s nothing like thinking that you are mere steps away from having the exact life you’ve always wanted, only to have it all unravel to a complete disaster in an instant. I should have seen it coming but I was in denial. I was devastated. I felt stupid and unloved. I lost the place I called ‘home’ and my entire sense of safety and security in one abrupt moment.
I wasn’t going to become a victim. There was no way I was going to raise my daughter to shirk responsibility in the name of being wronged.
To get where I wanted to be, I had to ask a tough question: How did I get here? The embarrassing answer: I didn’t really understand love.
I moved my daughter and I back home to my parents. They have been Christians for my entire life, but I had left the Christian faith entirely 10 years before. As much as I was re-attaching to them, I really didn’t see myself re-attaching to the Christian faith.
I was willing to go to church regularly at this time because I felt safe to unravel there. I was in such a fragile state of grief that unraveling would sometimes happen beyond my control and I didn’t always want to be alone when it did.
Eventually, I decided to face what I was hearing at church and the source of that information: The Bible. It had been a while since I picked one up. I remember thinking, you know, why don’t I try treating it like any other book and read it cover to cover? I figured that if it’s the infallible Word of God that Christians claim, then God will be proven undeniably real when I read it. If it wasn’t, then it would just be like any other book: glean a few good things from it and leave it at that.
Five years and three rounds of reading the Bible cover to cover and I’m writing songs based off of what I believe to be the Bible’s most poetic book, the Songs of Solomon. Beyond its poetics, it captures an exchange between a man and woman deeply in love. A love that is incredibly mysterious and complex. According to scholars, it ultimately represents the relationship between Jesus Christ and His followers, creating an incredible craving to understand the intricacies of that relationship.
I started out wanting to know if the Bible was true. Well, I found the truth there. How do I know that? Because I found love there… perfect, reliable love.
If you had told me five years ago that I was going to write Poems, Songs (and even a devotional) on Love, I would have laughed in your face. But God’s love, revealed through His simple written Word, was enough to turn my very broken heart to faith. Faith in His love and a desire to practice that love through all my relationships I, whether it be with my daughter, my friends, my family or maybe even the love of a husband one day.
Being secure in God’s love is now everything to me. I just want to live my life in a way that reflects His love – not to earn it, (because He’s already given it to me, after all) but because it’s too good not to share. Only in His love can I be well.
And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. – 1 John 4:16 (NKJV)
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