I spent my life trying to earn love. The love I never received from my primary caregiver as a child. I chased it my entire life until I discovered that what I’d been chasing is found in Christ alone.
Sadly, I chose people that could not love, reinforcing the lie that I was unworthy of love. It caused the wounds I already had from childhood to deepen. It made me try even harder, not realizing that I didn’t have to try at all. I chose out of a place of pain, only to create more pain.
I was miserable. Addictions and sin brought temporary relief. I thought if someone, anyone, could love me, I’d be proven worthy of love and I’d feel joy, peace, and prosperity. No. This was so incorrect. I thought it would heal me and rid me of all my pain. No human or any thing on earth has that power. If you’re subject to everyone and everything like that, as if they had the power to heal your life, you’ll never stand on solid ground.
And so, I was tossed by the wind, by sin, suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, addictions, abuse, materialism, titles, appearances, status, ungodly relationships… the list goes on. Then I found Jesus. He allowed me a final toss in the wind that pushed me into His embrace.
But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. – James 1:6
As I began to learn more about Jesus, I couldn’t quite shake my old mindset, putting my hope in an ungodly romantic relationship. I justified all the red flags. I thought I could deal with those if it means I’ll be loved and finally feel worthy. So I stayed, despite the Holy Spirit’s nudging me to flee.
Eventually I could no longer deny it when I had people approaching me with their concerns regarding my partner’s character. It confirmed that his behavior was, in fact, real. I had grown up to never trust myself, susceptible to trauma, abuse, and pain. I gaslit and abandoned myself regularly, especially for men, for what I hoped would be love.
But God chose me. God loves me. God gave His only Son for me. Me?! I finally began to let that resonate in my tired, achy soul. God worked in every detail of my life to bring redemption, restoration, and salvation. God stripped me down to what felt like my bare bones until there was no desire or hunger left to find true joy in anything except Him.
I began to flourish. I finally felt love, unconditional love, from my perfect Heavenly Father. I still can’t describe the feeling, but it’s so much better than I ever imagined. It’s emotional, overwhelming, all-consuming. Better yet, it is teaching me how to love myself, how I am to love others, and how others are to love me. Finally, I have a perfect role model. Someone to be in relationship with, someone to truly, unconditionally love.
I finally found what I’ve been searching for all my life. I am free, made new in Christ Jesus.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. – 2 Corinthians 5:17
I belong to God and God alone. Does that mean that life is now easy? Not even close. There is suffering in this life, but I choose to suffer for Jesus. I suffered my entire life for zero benefit, only further heartache and pain. Now that I am God’s, suffering has a purpose. It has payoff. It has a fulfillment attached to it. Suffering is never for nothing when it’s for God.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28
God instilled in me a new heart. I became able to understand that others are desperately searching for love outside of God to heal their hurt, just as I did. I feel like I can give grace, as it has been given to me. God wants us free. This is what the Good News is. We have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us. I don’t want things the world can offer anymore now that I got a taste of Jesus. Things of the world left me yearning, while Jesus truly satisfies. True Wellness is found only in Him.
For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things. – Psalm 107:9
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