In August we lost our friend Kimberly. It was a hard time… really hard. My mother in law gave me Hillary Scott’s CD, Love Remains, and I played it daily while I drove back and forth to work in tears. There are several songs that spoke to me in this time of grief, but one that I particularly had to wrestle with was called Thy Will.
“I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done”
These were the words my heart couldn’t express. You see, I had received a very direct calling from God, along with many others, to be a prayer warrior for Kimberly. God would wake me up in the middle of the night and not allow me to go back to sleep until I prayed for her. I prayed daily for her and her family, especially in my car.
Thy will be done. As we were praying for Kimberly’s healing I tried so hard not to pray those words, but to pray boldly, asking for what I wanted in Jesus’ name. I could hear my pastor’s words saying “thy will be done” is a weak prayer. I wanted to be bold and obedient in prayer as Jesus taught many times in the bible.
In Matthew 7:7 Jesus says:
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” – Matthew 7:7
And in John 14:13-14:
“Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.” John 14: 13-14
…but I am learning once again that I need to pray “Thy will be done”. I need to seek God’s heart in the situation like Jesus did as He faced His own execution on a cross:
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42
As the song says:
“Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not”
I thought I knew better. I thought Kimberly’s healing on earth would bring God the most glory. I thought that I (along with many others) had heard clearly from God that she would be healed on earth. Until the day she died, I asked God to step in and do what only He could do and heal her body in the most miraculous way so that He would receive all the glory.
Instead of the kind of healing we were praying for, God chose to give Kimberly perfect healing in heaven. And now, three months later, I can say that I have moved from shock and devastation to a thankful heart. I am thankful that I know with assurance that Kimberly is in heaven with Jesus. I am thankful when I think of heaven, when I sing and when I pray. I am no longer angry at God. I am thankful. I am on a journey, just as we all are. God is meeting me where I am and I am thankful.
Though God didn’t answer my prayer the way I wanted Him to, I believe that He is good. I believe his plan is better than mine. He can see the whole picture and know what is best. I am choosing to trust Him.
“I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
So Thy will be done”
I am reminded that prayer is a conversation with my Heavenly Father. Prayer is both speaking and listening. It is about acknowledging God’s goodness and His sovereignty. It’s about hearing His heart and asking God to move according to His will ‘on earth as it is in heaven’. I know there is so much more to learn so I am choosing to continue on this journey and work out my calling to pray for others.
This is where I am in my journey of faith. Chances are, you are somewhere else. Maybe you were called to do something different. Maybe you are truly contemplating who Jesus is for the first time. Jesus always has more for you. As Paul says to the Christians in Ephesus:
“I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Ephesians 4:1b
Thy will be done.