I’ve always cherished the songs of Jon Foreman, the lead singer of the popular band Switchfoot. It’s often when I am feeling a bit lost, or without the words to pray, that I’ll hear one of his songs and the lyrics will put words to what is happening in my heart. The song on repeat these days is “Restless” in which he sings:
I am restless
I am restless
I am restless
Looking for you
I am restless
I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you
These word have been my anthem lately. They speak to the seeking, the struggle as we pursue God, not always knowing the right choice, the right path, the right words to say. They encourage me that this is all okay, that this is what we do as followers of Christ. Because the promise is that those who seek shall find. Jesus didn’t say that those who seek without questions shall find, or those who seek without taking a wrong turn shall find, or those who seek consistently without falling away shall find.
Just, those who seek.
Seek and keep on seeking, and you will find. – Luke 11:9 (AMP)
Keep on seeking. I like that addition, because it reminds me that God isn’t about shortcuts and faith hacks. He’s not about instant gratification and quick results. Faith is about the long run. A long obedience in the same direction, a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche that Eugene Peterson borrowed and so aptly named one of his books.
Right now I am in the thick of the keep on seeking part. I’ve found it hard to settle myself to pray. Not in the consistent way that I used to anyway, at the same time everyday, with my Bible in front of me, eager and disciplined. That way isn’t working for me right now… even though I wrote a whole devotional book about drawing near to God.
But the other day my husband and I took the boys skating at a pretty little pond where I used to spend my days skating as a kid. And while they shot a hockey puck around I took a little stroll along the beach, where the frozen seaweed crunched beneath my feet and the water lapped over the icy rocks at the shore. I stood looking out at the sea and suddenly found myself praying, which I really haven’t found myself doing in quite some time. A little prayer here and there, but not like this. A steady stream of words straight from my heart, of worries and desires, of where I want to be and who I want to be and how I am not there yet. It wasn’t forced and it wasn’t strained. The prayer came from a place that was true, and it reminded me that this place is always there. My soul always seeking, searching, even if I am struggling to find the words and the ways to connect with God.
There, by the sea, something allowed my soul to speak. Maybe it was the chill in the air and in my bones, maybe it was the change of scenery, maybe it was allowing myself to just be without distraction, with just the soaring seagulls for companions. In this moment of connection and communion with God, I was reminded that even in the struggle He is near. That faith doesn’t have to always look pretty and tidy and predictable. It is forged in the questions and doubts and unknowns. It’s about making mistakes and falling away and coming back again.
Sometimes the words will come easily, and sometimes they will come in fits and starts. Sometimes faith will be as natural as breathing and other times it will feel like I’ve come across a foreign language. Either way, I keep chasing after Him with everything I’ve got and trusting that He will give me exactly what I need.
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